Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
