overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
