I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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