Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
