the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
