i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
