She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
