Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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