i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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