i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
