My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't turn off my feet"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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