i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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