i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
