It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
