i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
