she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
