It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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