Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
