i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
