she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
