I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
