Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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