I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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