Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
