Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
