I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
