I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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