Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
