was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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