oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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