why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
