can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
