I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
