and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
