i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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