hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
