Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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