god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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