I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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