You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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