I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
