nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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