my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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