you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
