so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
