I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
