Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
