I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
