I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
