dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
