Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
