highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
