Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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