I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
