I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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