You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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