Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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