i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
